“You don’t want us to come home do you

"hold on": Dorothy, this definitely ain't Kansas

By Joanne Saxon-Green

Part 2: The Visit

"You don’t want us to come home do you? If you did you’d stop getting high." Jamel spat at his mother.

"That’s not true, I do want you to come home." she replied. "No you don’t," the boy replied, "All you do is think about yourself. Why do you always have to spoil everything? All you ever do is think about yourself!"

"Jamel please, this is all a mistake," Dorothy pleaded.

"That's what you say all the time. That's what you said before. I hate it where I live. They won’t let me go anywhere or do nothing. I don’t even get to watch TV. I haven’t seen my little sister in so long I wonder if she knows she still has a big brother."

"I know it’s hard for you, it’s hard for me too."

"Yeah you say that but you still living at home, smoking crack. You can go anywhere you want and do anything you want to do. I don’t like it where I live and I want to come home", he screamed out loud. The door opened and Mr. Walker stepped into the room. "Jamel, I’ve told you to control yourself, one more outburst and I’m ending the visit. Dorothy you’d better get him to control himself or else I'm taking him out of here." Jamel stared directly at his caseworker with noticeable hatred. "He’ll be okay Mr. Walker, please don’t take him away, you know how he gets, he doesn't mean it." The door closed and Dorothy began to talk to Jamel as calmly as she could. "Listen honey, Mr. Walker had no right telling you my business. He is wrong. I didn’t start getting high this time. They said that I did, but it's all a misunderstanding. I’m trying to do everything that I can to get you and your sister back. It's not what you think; I don’t get a chance to do whatever I want to do. I gotta go to my program every day, even Saturdays and Sundays. It’s the same for me as it is for you. Sometimes I want to stop and just give up but I can’t. I know it's hard but I need you to hold on just a little longer. There’s nothing that I can do. I don't know what to say. Everytime I turn around it’s something else. I know you don't believe me and I don't blame you. But you gotta believe that I'm trying real hard to do the right thing this time no matter what they say." Looking her son deeply in the eye she said, "I'm not getting high anymore. But it's hard because they treat me like I am. No matter what I do it’s not enough for them and this thing about the dirty urine. I’m ready to bug the fuck out over it, but if I do it won’t help. If I go off about this I’ll lose you forever."

"It’s bad enough that my foster mother is always beefing," Jamel blurted out as if Dorothy hadn't been talking. "Then Mr. Walker comes around every week with his shit. I hate him, one day I’m gonna kill him."

"Jamel don’t say that," Dorothy said looking nervously at the door. "I know it’s hard for you son but you gotta hold on, you’ll be home soon, I promise. Before you know it all this will be over." Amazingly enough Dorothy’s last words seemed to calm her son down, at least for the moment. He relaxed and spent the rest of the visit enjoying his mother instead of complaining about his foster home, Mr. Walker, or any of the other things that he usually complained to her about. Dorothy cheered Jamel up when she told him about her recent visit to her sister Tracy's house. She gave him messages from his cousins and really made him smile when she told him that his Aunt promised to buy him the sneakers that he wanted. Jamel never got any of the clothes that would give him "props" with the other tougher boys at the foster home. The prospect of getting the sneakers made Jamel feel better. Seeing her son finally settle down made Dorothy believe that her life could really get better. She had seriously doubted it lately because up until this point her recovery was filled with so many things going wrong. Until that moment things looked like there would always be anguish and pain in her life. Watching her son smile made her feel different. By the time the visit was over Jamel and Dorothy were both feeling better. But as soon as the door opened and Mr. Walker stepped into the room Jamel changed into the angry young man again. "Jamel would you mind waiting outside the door for me, I need to speak with your mother for a minute. I hope you had a good visit." Dorothy hugged her son and whispered, "remember son, hold on, things will get better." They kissed and Jamel stepped out of the room closing the door behind him. Mr. Walker began talking as soon as the door closed, "Dorothy the last time you started getting high I warned you that if you got high again I would suspend your visits. You won’t be able to see Jamel for 2 months."

"What?!,"

"Wait a minute, I'm not finished, if you relapse again after this I will suspend your visits indefinitely. Honestly, I’m thinking about recommending that your visits be stopped altogether. Jamel is becoming increasingly unruly and hard to handle. I’ve recommended that he be taken out of the home that he’s in and moved to a more secure environment. I’d hate to see him leave to go to school one day and fail to return. I'm afraid what he might do. Actually, the recommendation is a formality now since you’ve started getting high again. Your visits will be terminated by the court in time. I never believed that your visits did him any good from the start. He was always hardest to handle right after visiting with you. I don't know what you did to him but your son is going to hurt someone. Boys like Jamel only respond to one thing-force and I'm going to make sure that he gets it." Dorothy fought hard to hold her composure, "Mr. Walker you can’t do that. I’ve been trying to tell everybody the dirty urine is a mistake. They made a mistake at the welfare doctor's office. My urine has been clean for months and it still is clean. I’m not getting high. I haven't use drugs in over 3 months. Even if you believe that you had no right to talk to my son about my personal life, Mr. Walker. And you have no right to talk about my son like that. You don't know who he is. All talk like that does is upset me and upsets my son.. You can’t keep Jamel away from me, he needs me and I need him."

"Well if you need him so much then why can’t you stay clean long enough to get him back home. It’s only my job as his caseworker to advise you of the changes that are being made in his case I don't care about anything else. I don’t make these decisions and if I did things would be a lot different. I don’t know why women like you think you can lie and cheat the system forever. Don't you see that it's your children that you hurt. My God woman! How can you hurt your own child? Whatever happens to Jamel is because of you, you know." Without waiting for Dorothy's reply the man walked out of the door leaving Dorothy there with tears welling up in her eyes. As the door clicked shut Dorothy's tears tumbled out down her cheeks like lakes. She slumped down in the chair nearest the door. Outside, on the other side of the door Dorothy could hear Jamal arguing with Mr. Walker. Quickly wiping away tears Dorothy pulled the door open, "Come on Jamel I’ll walk you outside to the van," As Mr. Walker walked past, Dorothy understood why Jamel hated his caseworker the way that he did. In the 3 years she'd spent in the street sucking the dicks of strangers she'd never met a man as cold as Matthew Walker. The first time they met she knew that he was going to give her a hard time. To start out he wasn't interested in her sexually, and every man she'd ever met somehow was interested in her sexually. She remembering at one of their meetings he told her he couldn’t respect women who abandon their children. Dorothy and Jamel slowed up as Mr. Walker hurried along. Dorothy continued guiding Jamel down the hall towards the front desk and out to the blue van that was parked, waiting in front of the building. She regretted that she had to give her son over to such a hateful man but like it or not, that was her reality. As Dorothy walked along she held tight to her son's shoulders. Several times she struggled with him to keep him from turning around and looking at Mr. Walker. "Jamel I know that you hate your life right now and you hate me for making it this way," she whispered into his ear. "I even know more than that you hate Mr. Walker and you have a right to but if you make him mad he won’t let you come and see me at all and that would make things worse than you realize right now. You have to do what Mr. Walker tells you. Please don’t argue with him." Dorothy took a deep breath and said a little louder, "Jamel I’m not going to see you for a while, because of this dirty urine bullshit, and I want you to know that I love you, and I’m doing everything that I can to get you and your sister to come home soon. I know I've told you this before, but I need you to hold on one more time son no matter what."

"What do you mean you're not going to see me for a while. They’re going to stop letting me see you again? That’s what he told you when he asked me to leave the room right? One day I’m gonna kill him. I hate him. I’ll never do what he says. One day I’m gonna kill him." "Stop talking that way!", Dorothy said nervously, "Promise me son that you won’t help them keep us apart. Do what the man tells you to do, Jamel. I don't know how long this is going to take but it won't be much longer." Jamel didn’t answer, he just got into the dark blue van with no side windows and stared straight ahead. Mr. Walker turned around and said to Jamel, "fasten your seatbelt." Once he did the dark blue van with no windows on the sides rolled into traffic. Dorothy stood and watched the silhouette of her son's head as long as she could make him out. As she turned back towards the building she remembered the face of her son earlier, bright and happy. Defiantly she pushed through the door on her way to her caseworker's office.

Next week: Part 3